How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
