Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
