We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
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Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
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No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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