in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
