im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
