So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
