someone get that fucking seahorse.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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