Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
