a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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