I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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