sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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