Where are you?
In a non slutty way
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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