cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
