I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When did angry sex become our thing?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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