non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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