were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
