It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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