I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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