This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
