This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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