My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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