You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
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