Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
