My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
