All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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