I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
