I'm drive I can fine osifer
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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