I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He passed out mid-signature
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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