Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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