I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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