I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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