I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
