You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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