pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
