the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
