I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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