So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
