With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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