She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
