well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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