I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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