He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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