More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
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we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
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Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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