Apparently you make a good broom.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
