You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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