Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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