2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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