i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Acid is not a monday night drug
I understand Curling. That high.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
