It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
