sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
