he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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