Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
