Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
