She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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