my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
