Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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