you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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