walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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