I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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