So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
